bush uses TARP to buy entire stock market
Disappointed by the stock market’s failure to always go up after the nationalization of Fannie May and Freddie Mac, as well as pouring hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars into the black hole formerly known as AIG, President Bush announced today that Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson would be using the remaining TARP funds to purchase all outstanding common stock in the market. The new plan will be known as Finally Up exChanges and marKets nEver Down, or FUCKED. President Bush stated, “I am the decider, and I have decided markets will go up!”
Intrepid reporter Trader Vic managed to get a few quotes from alleged leaders for Trader’s Journal. Ben Bernanke said, “This is a brilliant plan that will stabilize markets and taxpayers even stand to profit.” How they will profit was not mentioned. Clueless Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) and hopelessly misinformed Representative Barney Frank (D-MA) both stated, “we’re thrilled with this bi-partisan effort to impose a socialist regime on the backs of hardworking American suckers taxpayers.”
President elect Barak Obama was busy picking out color combinations for the Oval Office and unavailable to comment.